MARILYN MONROE'S DEEPEST THOUGHTS
HERE ARE SOME OF MARILYN'S OWN WRITTEN THOUGHTS ABOUT HER
SCARS OF SEXUAL ABUSE; THE PAIN OF PSYCHOTHERAPY; THE BETRAYAL BY ARTHUR MILLER (THE ACTRESS THIRD HUSBAND) THE SPECULATION OF HEREDITARY MADNESS AND HER DETERMINATION TO MASTER HER ART.
MAYBE SOMEHOW OR SOMEWAY, WE MIGHT UNDERSTAND THE ENIGMA OF MARILYN MONROE AND THE MYSTERY OF HER LIFE AND DEATH.
HOWEVER, NO MATTER WHAT SHE WAS NOT A MIRAGE. HER LIFE EXISTED AND SHE STILL LIVES IN OUR HEART.
On June 19, 1942,Marilyn Monroe was married to James Dougherty, an intelligent, attractive man five years her senior. She was just 16 years old when she married Dougherty. She wrote her feelings and deepest analysis about her marriage to him in her diary.
"I was greatly attracted to him as one of the few young men I had no sexual repulsion for besides which it gave me a false sense of security to feel that he was endowed with more overwhelming qualities which I did not possess---on paper it all begins to sound terribly logical but the secret midnight meetings the fugitive glance stolen in others company the sharing of the ocean, moon & stars and air aloneness made it a romantic adventure which a young, rather shy girl who didn't always give that impression because of her desire to belong & develop can thrive on-I had always felt a need to live up to that expectation of my elders."
Marilyn's memory about her marriage to James Dougherty evolved on her fear that he preferred his former girlfriend (Doris Ingram, a beauty queen from Santa Barbara). This situation gave Marilyn a sense of unworthiness and vulnerability to the opposite sex.
"Finding myself of handedly stood up snubbed my first feeling was not of anger---but the numb pain of rejection & hur
t at the destruction of some sort of edealistic image of true love.
My first impulse then was one of complete subjection humiliation, alonement to the male counterpart. (all this thought & writing has made my hands tremble..."
She wrote her thoughts about questioning the process she was doing on self analisis and memory, if this is good for her.
"For someone like me its wrong to go through self-analisis---I do it enough in thought generalities enough.
Its not to much fun to know yourself to well or think you do---everyone needs a little conceit to carry them through & past the falls."
Marilyn's memory about her great-aunt Ida Martin, a strict, evangelical Christian. Ida was paid by Grace Goddard to look after Norma Jeane (Marilyn's original name) from 1937 to 1938. She wrote,
"Ida --- I have still been obeying her --- it's not only harmful for me to do so but unrealality because life starts from Now"
Then,
"working (doing my tasks that I have set for myself) On the stage --- I will not be punished for it or be whipped or be threatened or not be loved or sent to hell to burn with bad people feeling that I am also bad. or be afraid of my (genitals) being or ashamed, exposed known and seen --- so what or ashamed of my sensitive feelings"
In April 1955, Marilyn moved to the 27th floor of the Waldorf-Astoria. It was in Waldorf-Astoria that she started writing down some of her memories and dreams. She wrote about her nightmare in which Strasberg is operating on her with Dr. Hohenberg assisting:
"Best finest surgeon - Strasberg to cut me open which I don't mind since Dr. H has prepared me --- given me anaesthetic and has also diagnosed the case and agrees with what has to be done- an operation - to bring myself back to life and to cure me of this terrible dis-ease whatever the hell it is- and there is absolutely nothing there---Strasberg is deeply disappointed but more even --- academically amazed that he had made such a mistake. He thought there was going to be so much --- more than he had ever dreamed possible ... instead there was absolutely nothing---devoid of every human living feeling thing---the only thing that came out was so finely cut sawdust---like out of a raggedy ann doll---and the sawdust spills all over the floor & table and Dr. H is puzzled because suddenly she realizes that this is a new type case. The patient ... existing of complete emptiness, Strasberg's dreams & hopes for theater are fallen. Dr. H's dreams and hopes for a permanent psychiatric cure is given up---Arthur is disappointed---let down"
On June 29, 1956, Marilyn converted to Judaism in order to marry Arthur Miller (Pulitzer Prize-winning author of All My Sons, Death of a Salesman, The Crucible, and A View from the Bridge). Marilyn admired Miller because of his intellectual, artistic achievement, and high seriousness. Marilyn wrote about her marriage to Arthur as such:
"I am so concerned about protecting Arthur, I love him---and he is the only person---human being I have ever known that I could love not only as a man to which I am attracted to practically out of my senses about---but he (is) the only person...that I trust as much as myself---because when I do trust myself (about certain things) I do fully"
In one of Marilyn's sweet and affecting poems (while still in love with Arthur) was about imagining what he might have been like as a young boy:
"my love sleeps besides me---in the faint light---I see his manly jaw give way---and the mouth of his boyhood returns with a softness softer its sensitiveness trembling in stillness. His eyes must have look out wonderously from the cave of the little boy---when the things he did not understand---he forgot, but will he look like this when he is dead. Oh unbearable fact inevitable yet sooner would I rather his love die than/or him?"
When Marilyn stumbled upon Arthur Miller's diary, she was devastated. Arthur wrote his disappointment and embarrassment towards Marilyn in front of his friends. After knowing about Arthur feeling about her, Marilyn found it difficult to work. From New York, Marilyn flew to Dr. Hohenberg because she was having difficulty to sleep. She wrote:
"on the screen of pitch blackness comes/reappears the shapes of monsters, my most steadfast companion...and the world is sleeping. Ah peace I need you---even a peaceful monster."
In was in winter of 1957, when Miller worked on adapting one of his short stories (The Misfits) for screen, where Marilyn is one of the stars. She wrote while still haunted with her feelings of disappointment and loss:
"Starting tomorrow I will take care of myself for that's all I really have and as I see it now have ever had. Roxbury---I've tried to imagine spring all winter---it's here and I still feel hopeless. I think I hate it here because there is no love here anymore...
In every spring the green (of the ancient maples) is too sharp---though the delicacy in their from is sweet and uncertain---it puts up a good struggle in the wind---trembling all the while... I think I am very lonely---my mind jumps. I see myself in the mirror now, brow furrowed---if I lean close I'll see---what I don't want to know---tension, sadness, disappointment, my ['blue" is crossed out] eyes dulled, cheeks flushed with capillaries that look like snakes. The mouth makes me the sadd[est], next to my dead eyes...
When one wants to stay alone as my love (Arthur) indicates the other must stay apart."
Marilyn moved back to Los Angeles in 1958 to begin work in 'Some Like It Hot'. It was here when her musings and poems took a dark turn. Here is one of these poem with a heading, 'After one year of analysis':
Help help
Help
I feel life coming closer
when all I want
Is to die
Scream---
You began and ended in air
but where was the middle?
On March 1 and 2, Marilyn wrote a letter to Dr. Greenson that described her ordeal at Payne-Whtney when she was admitted in a locked psychiatric ward of the said facilities:
"There was no empathy at Payne-Whitney---it had a very bad effect---they asked me after putting in a 'cell' (I mean cement blocks and all) for very disturbed depressed patients (except I felt I was in some kind of prison for a crime I hadn't committed. The inhumanity thee I found archaic...everything was under lock and key...the doors have windows so patients can be visible all the time, also, the violence and markings still remain on the walls from former patients.)"
In 1956, Marilyn wrote about her distrust and fear towards Peter Lawford, Jack F. Kennedy's brother-in-law and also one of the members of the 'Rat Pack'
"the feeling of violence I've had lately about being afraid of Peter he might harm me, poison ne, etc.
why---strange look in his eyes---strange behavior in fact now I think I know why he's been here so long because I have a need to be frighten[ed]---and nothing really in my personal relationships (and dealings) lately have been frightening me---except for him---I felt very uneasy at different times with him--the real reason I was afraid of him---is because I believe him to be homosexual---not in the way I love & respect and admire [Jack] who I feel feels I have talent and wouldn't be jealous of me because I wouldn't really want to be me
whereas Peter wants to be a woman---and would like to be me---
I think
The name 'Jack' mentioned above is not 'Jack' Kennedy but maybe Jack Cole, the dancer-choreographer who befriended and coached Marilyn on 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes' and 'There's No Business Like Show Business'.
THE SOURCE OF THIS ARTICLE IS FROM 'VANITY FAIR' ISSUED LAST NOVEMBER 2010
"MARILYN'S SECRET DIARIES"
PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO LIKE, SUPPORT AND COMMENT
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